Cursed Knowledge #27: Panera Lemonade
February 9, 2024·11 comments·In Brief
Cursed Knowledge is our podcast that explores how narratives, for better and worse, have shaped our world without us noticing. The world is full of people pushing their version of reality on us and it’s time to expose the truth. No matter how much you might wish we hadn’t.
Panera’s in hot water over their charged lemonade. After building their brand on clean and healthy food, they’re now facing several lawsuits claiming their lemonade caused permanent heart damage and even death. So what’s really going on with the lemonade? And why is the story surrounding it so misleading?
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Comments
IMO there are some great Epsilon Theory notes waiting to be written about food.
Modern American food is not really food at all, it is Food TM! And Food TM is going global.
What is Food TM? It is artificial ingredients, flavorings, preservatives, colors, and dye, it is ultra-processed crap wrapped in flashy packaging.
What is Food TM? It is hybrid fruits and vegetables with 25% the nutrient and flavor contents of heirloom varieties with just a hint of added pesticides, yum!
What is Food TM? It is meat! But harvested from animals raised in conditions so unsanitary you smell the sour lots or coops from a mile away. And after harvesting, hey why not let’s add some nitrites to that for you so it has a pleasant, unnatural color that will convince the idiots (err I mean customers) to purchase it and force the other meat producers to use the same ingredients if they want to compete.
Consumers of Food TM are the most obese people who have walked the planet since the dawn of our species: their kidneys groan with diabetes, their hearts tremble under the high pressures caused by their clogged arteries, their guts and colons are deserts that struggle to perform their functions, and their minds struggle with chronic disorders and tragically succumb to dementia at an absolutely alarming rate. (Imagining this last fate for myself and those that I love is frankly terrifying.)
When faced with information about Food TM, its captured victims ask the question “why shouldn’t I eat this?” And answer it automatically and heuristically with a simple “if it’s being sold, then it is safe,” or “I’ve been eating this my whole life and it hasn’t hurt me yet!” Pay no mind to the fact that (1) it definitely has hurt them and (2) a human lifetime is a long time to accumulate small negative effects that compound into some absorbing barrier that you don’t want anything to do with!
I choose to ask a different question. “Why should I eat this?” And tbh I really struggle to answer this question for about 95% of the food-like-products being sold at my grocery store. On the other hand, I totally dig what that Amish farmer in the next town over is selling.
Well clearly Sparkd’ Energy is completely different from Charged Lemonade. Guess they’re hoping the cult of Dunkin will make people forget.
So apparently Dunkin’ Donuts is picking up where Panera left off!
https://www.axios.com/local/boston/2024/02/22/dunkin-caffiene-energy-drink-panera-bread
Good satire is nearly indistinguishable from reality, and that was some top notch satire.
Sorry, couldn’t help myself — Trump Lemonade.m4a - Google Drive
Not real, but 100% on brand.
Please tell me that’s real.
If I hadn’t just read David Brook’s essay from this morning I might’ve lost it over this insanity
As a daily user of Medically Approved and Very Safe™️ amphetamines I felt a twitch in one eye as Harper was reciting the caffeine content in these drinks. I have no idea how people can consume that much and remain ambulatory.
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